Lately certain persons have been spreading rumors on the Web about what Brazil is really like. They claim that Brazil is misrepresented by stereotypical portrayals in movies and other mainstream media.

Don’t believe in such claims; they’re nothing more than political propaganda from arrogant pinko communist-intelligentsia members of the Brazilian Terrorist Party (PT). Brazil is described very acurately in popular American movies and shows such as The Simpsons.

In order to stop these rumours, I’ve collected in a single place some FACTS about Brazil:

  • Like all its neighbor countries, the national language of Brazil was once Latin. Latin later mutated into Spanish, but the continent to this day remain known as Latin America. If you want to establish contact with a native, be sure to cater to his ethnic feelings by calling him a latino and displaying your fondness for latino culture. Other than Spanish, most Brazilians can speak Broken English .
  • The whole of Brazilian territory is covered by the world’s largest rainforest, the Amazon. Actual Amazons were extinct in the sixties, but in any case do not ever walk in Brazilian streets with cameras or other shiny objects exposed, as they’ll quickly get stolen by monkeys. If you’re attacked by a monkey, never fight back; give all your belongings to it. If you don’t, it’ll cry for his group and you’ll be eaten alive piece by piece by angry monkeys until there is not a single speck of meat attached to your bones. Also, be wary of ever-present alligators in sewers, restrooms and public parks.
  • Brazil’s most popular music styles are samba, rumba and mambo, the later also known as MPB (”Mambo For Brazilians”). Carmen Miranda, who sings in all three styles, is the top seller, despite being almost a hundred years old; her longevity is attributed to the consumption of Brazilian seeds called mamonas, much like other famous figures such as vampire Silvio Santos and satanist Roberto Requião. Warning: never try to eat mamonas yourself, as they’re highly toxic to non-natives. There’s a minor terrorist movement called the Mamona War who dedicates themselves to murder foreigners by throwing mamonas at them. Even children are reported to engage in mamona wars. Extremist activists “The Killer Mamonas” killed themselves trying to destroy a mountain with a plane; to this day their martyrdom is remembered yearly by Silvio Santos’ protegee.
  • Brazil’s president is an illiterate working class man who lost a finger when working in factories.
  • ALL Brazilians love soccer. Those who claim they don’t are either lying posers or terrorist commies. World Cup soccer matches are national holidays in Brazil.
  • Once per year, ALL Brazilians engage in a public orgy called the Carnaval (meaning “flesh festival”), were they get drunk and naked and screw each other to the sound of mambo & rumba. Carnaval originated as a pagan tribute to Brazilian national gods Exu (”he who is a dick”) and Pombagira (”she who is a slut”), but nowadays it’s just secular fucking. ALL Brazilians love Carnaval and dance and actively engage in fornication during it. Those who claim they don’t are either lying Christians or terrorist hippies. Foreigners love Carnaval too and flock to the country in great numbers while it is holding, despite all the dangers. In fact, everyone loves Carnaval because everyone loves casual sex. Carnaval is the only thing keeping natives from leaving to the USA and never coming back.
  • Brazil holds the prize for World’s Longest, Most Boring And Most Pretentious National Anthem. The lyrics are written in ancient Latin and no one can understand their meaning anymore.
  • Brazilians have never, and will never, engage in any kind of war. This is not due to pacifism, but to the fact that it’s impossible to make Brazilians work under authority, and soldiers will just watch soccer instead of fighting.
  • Brazil has two national martial arts: Capoeira and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Both are based in the movements of wild animals from the forest. Capoeira teachs people how to produce electricity throught their skin, but is known to turn its practitioners green. Thanks to the efforts of thousands of capoeiristas, Brazil is now energetically self-sufficient. BJJ afficionados, much like kung-fu warriors, identify themselves with specific totemic animals, going as far as assuming their name and painting their symbol on fighting clothes. The most popular BJJ style is the Pit-Bull.
  • Foreigners often get confused about whether Rio de Janeiro is the Brazilian capital or not. The answer is simple: it was the capital before Buenos Aires.

Do you have more FACTS about Brazil? Post them in comments! We need tell the world the truth about our country!